Article 4 In a Series of Articles on Wining a Ex Lover Back

If you really want to get your ex back and rekindle your love you need to determine exactly where the relationship fell apart and be honest about it. It wasn't either your fault or theirs because as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. However, if you really want to rekindle a lasting relationship you have to understand what happened so you can hopefully fix the problems.

Its been said that many relationships end when one person becomes too dependent on the other. Instead of being in a mutually loving, sharing relationship, one person may suddenly decide that they want more emotional input, more security and more reassurance. The other person may then begin feeling as though the pressure to constantly reassure the other is just too much. 

Both men and women tend to develop an aversion to clingy people. These are people who worry so much about losing their relationship that they tend to smother their partner. This kind of suffocating attention is enough to make some people want to leave.

A lot of relationships also end because of outside pressure from various issues that create so much tension that both of you are arguing constantly because you can get over the problems or set them aside. This is usually connected to what you prize most in life, which you may do without even realizing it. 

There have been many studies that have shown that humans have certain basic needs that they need met to feel content. The priority we assign to each of these needs, which is done subconsciously, is what will basically determine the success of our relationships. Some of these needs are love, certainty, variety and significance. 

In other words we need to feel loved and give love, to feel certain about a lot of the things in our lives, from finances to the love of our partner, yet we also want variety to add a little spice to our days. Of course, we also want to feel significant or important whether it is to our partner or other people in our lives. The importance we assign each of these needs will determine our behavior in any relationship.

For example, if you value certainty above love because you gave everything you had emotionally to someone before and they hurt you and you need to feel certain about the love of your partner then if they don't instantly reassure you of their love, whether with actions or words, you might lash out in anger, frustration or sadness. 

The problem is that you don't even realize this is what it stems from. You are so focused on satisfying your need for certainty that love comes second. This also alludes to financial certainty. If you do not feel certain about your finances because you are both struggling then you may tend to lash out without realizing it and you may even be doing it because you are angry with yourself not your partner. But they are still on the receiving end. 


Remember that your partner has the same needs and if you weren't fulfilling them maybe that's what ripped you apart. If you were too focused on your need for certainty and forgot to show them how much you loved them you probably pushed them so far that they couldn't take any more of being in a relationship where their needs weren't being met. 

So, take out a piece of paper and a pen and start writing down what happened. If you were constantly arguing about the fact that they never cleaned up or other trivial issues you need to get to the heart of the matter because that wasn't the real reason for the fight. Could it have been because you were having a tough time financially and your need for certainty wasn't met so you took it out on the person closes to you? Or vice versa?

Of course, this will be a rather one sided analysis because you won't know how your ex feels but if you solve at least the glaringly obvious issues then you can find out what needs they have that they feel you aren't meeting. Maybe love is more important to your partner and you were so wrapped up in your issues that you didn't show them that you cared.