Article 5 In the Series of Articles On Compatability

Independence

Tracie liked to read, sew, and do crossword puzzles.  She had a small circle of friends, most of whom she had met through church.  Aside from her job (one where she didnt interact with people much), she saw groups of friends at church and maybe one other time a week.

Ted was new in town and joined Tracies church right away.  He was immediately seen as a catch by all of the single women.  But, he saw something in Tracie and didnt have eyes for anyone else.

The problem was that Ted was always doing something.  He joined a softball league, started volunteering at a soup kitchen, and joined the choir.  He was always pressuring Tracie to go to his games, volunteer with him at the soup kitchen, and to join to choir too.

What Ted didnt see at first was that Tracie enjoyed her quiet ways.  She needed space.  While Ted was energized by social contact with others, this kind of activity drained Tracie.

Eventually, they decided that Ted would continue to have an active social calendar and that Tracie could participate or not depending on her feelings.  

This actually left both parties feeling that they had control of their independence.  Ted was able to be independent because he could do the activities he liked and Tracie had independence because she could choose not to do them.

Another example of the importance of independence is Robyn and Chad.  Chad was the highly independent type.  He liked to be free as a bird and didnt like to report his whereabouts to Robyn.

Robyn was quite insecure.  She liked to know where he was and when he would be in for the evening.  Her previous marriage had dissolved when she discovered that her ex husband had had a long term affair which made her insecure about any future relationships.

Chad and Robyn had to go into counseling to deal with this independence issue.  Chad had to acknowledge Robyns insecurities and Robyn had to acknowledge that Chad wasnt her ex husband.  

Communication

Sarah was a talker and Paul was a doer.  Where Sarah started any number of conversations with I want to talk to you about Paul would rather express his feelings for Sarah by taking her out to dinner or buying her a bouquet of flowers.  

One of the big problems in their relationship was that Sarah said youre not listening to me while Pau said you dont appreciate the things I do for you.

This is a classic case of having different communication compatibilities.  Because they express their love differently, Sarah and Paul are in trouble.

This doesnt mean that their relationship is doomed though.  They have to be open to the idea that they communicate differently.

Sarah may need to get her verbal communication needs met with her female friends rather than her boyfriend.  Paul needs to listen more when Sarah talks.  Sarah needs to appreciate that the way Paul communicates is to take her to dinner or fix her toilet.  

Women tend to be more loquacious than men in general.  It is common for communications compatibility to be an issue in relationships.  Fortunately, this is an issue where lets talk can really solve the problem.

Article 6 in this series of articles on "compatibility" will pick up tomorrow with discussing "Sex".